thoughts whilst in salzburg

Sometimes, I don’t know how to feel. I’ve been effortlessly numb for the last couple of years. After battling the most horrific life event for me thus far, I was propelled into a version of myself that just does not feel most of the time. I’m not happy and I’m not sad. I typically exist in the in-between.

      Sometimes, I’m overpowered by excitement, and others anxiety takes over.

      Earlier, when I began writing this at a café in Salzburg, I was in that in-between state. Now? Now anxiety is looming. I’m worried about my life and what’s to come. I love my current career, but the reality of it is that I cannot be a flight attendant forever. The job is both luxurious and all-consuming. It awards me with incredible travel and meeting wonderful people, but at the end of the day – it feels that this career isn’t allowing me to find what I want the most: love.

      Maybe it’s just not my turn to have that. Quite honestly, there’s only been a few guys I’ve encountered in the last while that I would’ve been interested in getting to know. Ultimately though, those fleeting connections were not meant to last. We live too far apart, or the idea of my career just adds a haze of uncertainty and negates my value. I don’t necessarily blame them, either. If I met a guy who traveled the world via private jet for a living, socializing with some of the most elite individuals and spending copious amounts of time in different time zones… I don’t know how I’d proceed either – or if I’d proceed at all.

      And that’s rough to think or feel. It’s hard being written off due to my career. At the end of the day, I absolutely love what I do. I have been traveling since I was twenty years old, using student grants to fund my last minute and cheaply done solo trips. I spent the following years working, flying out to new destinations to explore when possible, and trying to figure out how I could spend my days gallivanting across the globe. During 2020, when the Only Fans era came about, I even contemplated that but ultimately knew I just could not do that and be comfortable with myself. The values that my mother instilled in me just burned too deep. After an excruciating trauma and a gift of a connection with a man who helped me through that pain – I was introduced to the world of private aviation. This career has helped me tremendously in so many ways. I was at a place in life where I barely left my house due to the extensive depression, and this job forced me to get out and granted me the chance to see the world. It was the first sliver of happiness that I had since Kelly’s passing.

      In the last year and a half that I’ve been a flight attendant for a private jet charter, I’ve been to 18 countries and countless states/cities. I’ve met incredibly intelligent businessmen and famous talents, and then the numerous locals I’ve connected with in each place. It’s a fabulous life – really. I do not discredit how lucky I am to be in this position. And although fulfilling in most areas, it’s causes draughts in others.

      Now I’m faced with the question: what’s next?

      I feel that in order to get to where I want to be, I need to start considering my next move. Another year in this career, and then what? That contemplation comes with a lot of thoughts with loose ends. I don’t know where to begin, but spending time contemplating is a good start. I think.